One night the wife did not come home. The husband asked her where she had been and she said sleeping over at one of her girlfriends. The husband calls ten of her best girlfriends, but none of them did confirm.

- Friends among men

One night the husband did not come home. The wife asked him where he had been and he said sleeping over at one of his friends. The wife calls ten of his best friends, eight confirmed he stayed over and two said he is still there.

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her
feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by
cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of
foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to
extinguish
the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you
rake
repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head
from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they
get
their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re
trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.
They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your
tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a doggie toy isn’t.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and
thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on
the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and
West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve
ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So
start paying them some attention.

GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask
her
to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along

side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they

plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep

going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant
present,
not a kid’s toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the
material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still
believe
that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there
than
you’re trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in
principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt – so don’t get carried
away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of
her
vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her
and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in
the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move
toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of
buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can
do
is pump away like an industrial power tool – she’ll soon feel like an
assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly,
with
clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach,
the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few
seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites
of
her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the
mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina.
At
least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her
interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
really don’t know, don’t ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth
down
there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It’s about
three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to
use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes
it.
When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do
what’s
necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don’t grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over
them.
In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does
all
the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn’t feel quite so
much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow
directions.
If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don’t think that being
drunk
is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, “Can I take a photo of you?” she’ll hear the
words”__to
show my buddies.” At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring
honey
on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all
handy
props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a
Romanian
gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner
with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they
have
a prostate. Women don’t.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the
neck,
if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and
jaunty
scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big
turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900line.
If
she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and
she
might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too
heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a
soup kitchen.

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Some reasons why some women don’t like porn:

1) Most porn out there is produced by men and targeted at a male audience, and it has a different aesthetic than that which women generally enjoy (although there are many women out there who like raunchy male-oriented porn, too). Women generally like storylines/plots and softer, more romantic sex.

2) Most of this porn I mentioned has an inherent misogynistic attitude that treats women as bitches, sluts, whores, and ho’s to be used and abused by the men. If there’s anything to turn a woman off quicker, that’d be it.

3) Most straight porn doesn’t feature good-looking men. Now, there are of course some nice exceptions, but on a whole, and particularly the more amateur the production, the less appealing the men are (compare that to gay porn, where the boys seem to all be model-perfect!), while the women are still porn-perfect. It stems from whom the target audience is, of course (generally, men), and the mistaken idea that the only thing anybody is looking at is that 10 inch penis . . . but women tend to enjoy the whole package- handsome faces, sexy bodies, everything. No wonder women don’t go ga-ga for it.

4) It makes us feel bad about ourselves. Women are infamous for our comparisons to pretty much every other woman out there, and if that’s already a blow to our self-esteem, then watching porn, or knowing that most men out there watch it, is the ultimate nail in the coffin- because who can measure up to those bleach-blonde, liposuctioned, silicone-filled models? Women worry that the reason men watch porn is because they’re dissatisfied with the women that they have at home and wish they could have porn stars instead. Nobody wants to watch or condone something that makes them feel so insecure and self-doubtful.

5) Most porn doesn’t feature much in the way of real female sexuality. I once heard a female porn reviewer joke that if you added up all the male-on-female cunnilingus scenes in the entirety of porn, it still wouldn’t last longer than five whole seconds. And while that’s exaggeration, it’s a sad truth- women in porn either don’t have orgasms at all, or the actresses fake really bad ones. The cunnilingus, fingering, clitoral stimulation, if there at all, are usually pretty bad and inept. In reality, women take a while to get aroused, and statistics overwhelmingly show that women do not, in fact, usually orgasm from the ol’ in-and-out pumping, but through clitoral stimulation instead. Try and find that reality in porn, though, and you won’t. What woman wants to watch something that doesn’t feel real, that she can’t relate to?

6) Some women don’t like porn on the basis that it’s degrading and objectifying to women, that the industry is harmful to the actresses, etc., etc.. And given some of the porn that’s out there and the horror stories, I wouldn’t exactly say they were off-base in that feminist assumption. Still, I very strongly feel that Andrew Dworkin and her like are wrong- not all porn is inherently degrading. But women often come from the standpoint that men are perverted horndogs who only want women for sex and their bodies, and when they see porn that reinforces that idea, they are not only turned off sexually, but completely disgusted by the very idea of porn itself.

7) Some girls just don’t like porn, just like there are some guys out there who don’t. It’s just a personal preference.

Women may view porn as cheating if it’s watched in a relationship. I don’t agree with that viewpoint, but some women believe that by fantasizing about being with another person, it is an affair of the heart/mind, and that isn’t cool. And if you feel your partner is cheating on you, of course you’re going to be pretty angry and ticked off.

9) Women can’t connect with a lot of the acts portrayed in porn that is produced for men- things that may turn men on, like double penetration, the concept of cum sluts who take multiple ejaculations, etc., etc. will probably have most women running for their lives, forever branded with a fear of what they think most men secretly want to do to them, and understandably so.

10) Women are socialized to not be interested in sex. Even as things are getting better than they were, say, in the 50′s, still, female sexuality gets put on the back burner. Boys are encouraged to masturbate and look at pornographic materials (i.e. the whole fathers giving their sons Playboy magazines at puberty), or at least their sexuality is turned a blind, indulgent eye, but girls are rarely encouraged to masturbate, are definitely not provided any female-oriented sexual materials, and their sexual innocence is closely guarded, the idea of virginity lauded (whereas sexual conquest is expected for boys), and basically, being a sexually-minded female is synonymous with being a slut or a dirty girl. Most women don’t even begin to seek out porn because they feel ashamed, embarrassed, don’t know that porn made for women exists, etc., etc..

I maintain that if women sought out more porn made by women, for women, soft-core stuff, with positive roles, focus on women’s pleasure, attractive men, real women who don’t look like porn stars and don’t make them feel bad about themselves . . . most women, I think, would be able to enjoy porn more. That stuff is out there, but it’s less well-known, and so many women continue to say they find porn sick and degrading, not knowing it can be otherwise.

Hope that helps!

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